Are you prepared for the Juggapocalypse?

After watching the new horror-documentary film American Juggalo I began to contemplate the sheer terror of being alone in a world of juggalo culture. It occurred to me that if/when we experience an infrastructure collapse or some other huge catastrophic or apocalyptic event, there may indeed be juggalo survivors.

Since juggalos/juggalettes/ninjas/ninjettes/whatever are said to be a very tight-knit “fam-i-ly”, I assume that they would seek out one another in such times of despair. First I believe they would meet at their favorite local establishment, probably the only place that sells Faygo in their location. Upon meeting up, getting high as hell, woop-woopin’, and then maybe having gross sex with each other, they might enter survival mode and begin to formulate a plan.

The most obvious plan of action for a post-apocalyptic juggalo would be to make a pilgrimage to the planned site for Gathering Of The Juggalos for that particular year. I’m sure they will want to meet up with like minded folks and get wasted one last time before they die.The scary part is what happens when they all get there.

Let’s imagine hundreds, maybe thousands of juggalo survivors living off Faygo, marijuana, and whippits in one central location, probably the mid-west. Hygiene will not be a primary concern, but fornication will be high on the list (not for survival really, but for fun/it’s been a long time/etc…). Next, they will begin to explore their surroundings and gather weapons. I’m guessing knives and hatchets will be popular.

Now that they are armed and combat capable, juggalos may choose leaders. Once a command/social structure is in place, it’s time to move outward and claim what is rightfully theirs in the wasteland and recruit new juggalos to supplement their forces in the name of The Dark Carnival. At this point, non juggalos should be worried, it’s a Juggalo Crusade.

Scouring the wastelands, looking for faygo and facepaint; juggalo warriors will most likely have no problem being total post-apocalyptic dicks. Will they be challenging foes? I have no idea. Will they be annoying as hell? Damn right they will, so be prepared.

I’m not sure what weaknesses juggalos possess, but this is something we need learn if we plan on surviving the Juggapocalypse.